i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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