dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
