I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
