I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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