Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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