Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He passed out mid-signature
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.