I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
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The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.