I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
