Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This is the high leading the old right now
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
