i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
