I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
