Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
