I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
