were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
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Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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