i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
