barbara walters just said penis...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
