call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You took a bar mat shot.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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