My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
