Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
