Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
