Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
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For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.