You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
