Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
