After last night, I could never be a politician.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So vagazzling was a success
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
