Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
