I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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