we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
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My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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