I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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