I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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