Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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