so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
