It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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