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So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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