I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
