when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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