You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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