I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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