Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
