Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
