Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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