He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
