the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
