saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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