I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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