Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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