it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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