I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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