Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
