An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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