Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize