They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
