Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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