When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
