She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
